The day my Vegan child asked for cow's milk!

Definitely an Oat milk babyccino, Age 2.

 

I had prepared myself that raising a vegan child meant that at some stage I may have to accept that she’d want to experiment with not being Vegan. I was raised a dairy-loving, meat eater, but chose to become vegan at the age of 35 (8 years ago). I made the choice to raise my child vegan, but vowed to honour her right to choose, should she want to, whenever she was old enough (and informed enough) to do so.

What I hadn’t prepared for was that when she was 5 years old she would come to me, out of the blue, and say ‘Mummy I want some cow’s milk’!

That is what happened this week.

Not completely out of the blue I guess, we had some cow’s milk in the fridge as we had builders in, so she could see it every time she opened the fridge (I respect each individual’s choice - I won’t cook animals in our house but if someone is visiting and wants to bring their own dairy milk, I will accommodate it). 

But she was serious.  She actually wanted to try some. I was shocked, this was way earlier than I’d hoped!! I explained that it was the builders’ milk. I reminded her that it’s really the milk for baby cows and not humans, but some humans still choose to drink it.  I gently reminded her what happens to the Mummy cow in order for her to keep producing milk.  I reminded her how my nipples get a little sore when she has her morning boobies and how sore it must be for the Mummy cows to continually have their nipples pulled and tugged. 

She paused. 

And then said. ‘I know. But at school everyone gets to have cow’s milk except me’. Cue dagger through my heart - the very thing the vegan Mama doesn’t want to hear, her vegan daughter feels left out! School is new, she’s just started the second half of her first term and actually there are a handful of vegans or dairy free children in her class, so I know she’s not the odd one out.  Plus I provide plant milk for her, so she’s always getting milk at milk time, but… it’s different. The school is actually really great with vegan inclusivity and provides vegan meal options everyday. But this is the start of peer influences, isn’t it?  Fitting in.  Finding your place.

So here I am stuck in between my morals and my values. I don’t agree with drinking cow’s milk AND I respect my child and want her to make her own choices (when it is safe to do so).  I told her I needed a minute to think.

My body felt hot and rigid. My brain went to blame - if everyone else was just vegan we wouldn’t be in this predicament! But we’re not all the same, and that's OK - another value I teach her. 

So I take a minute, or ten!  I breathe, slow and deep, so I can respond from a calm and compassionate place instead of an angry place, which is where I’ve immediately gone to in my body. 

‘Have you decided Mummy’? She was pretty certain. 

‘OK. I don’t agree with drinking cow’s milk - I believe it’s not good for the animals, it’s not good for your body and it’s not good for our planet.  But I also understand that you want to try it.  So I’m making it your choice.  (I wouldn’t do this with heroin - let’s just keep perspective for a minute.  Her safety comes first!). So I want you to take a minute to think about it and if you are really sure you want to try it, I’ll have another think.

Pause.

‘I do want to try it’.

BREATHE Mama…

Take another minute…

‘OK’. Against every fibre of my being I poured my pure little ‘Vegan since conception’ baby (she suddenly seemed so young) the tiniest bit of cow’s milk and handed it over.

Gulp

Pause

‘Yummy’

Oh God! She likes it! Fuck!! Does she actually? Breathe.

‘It’s nice’

‘OK. All done?’ said with a smile. And I take the empty cup away.

I then take myself away upstairs to have a cry on the bed. I feel sad and gutted.  I know this is what I had to do, but I wish I hadn’t had to.  Not at least until she REALLY gets it. Or maybe she does?  I don’t know.  I feel proud of myself for giving her the choice, but I feel sad that I’ve even been in this predicament and that her little vegan body now has cow’s milk in it.

My irrational mind spirals for a minute - what if she has an allergic reaction?  What if she wants it forevermore now?  I’ll have to revoke her right to choose - I’m not giving her cow’s milk all the time (or even on occasion) - this was a one off, an experiment! Then she’ll think I’m picking and choosing, I’m a push over. I don’t stand by my word. Fuck!  agggghhhhhhhh!

Then I hear her little footsteps come up the stairs and I wipe away my tears.  Normally I highlight the importance of our children knowing that we get sad too and that all emotions are welcome and that adults are not these ‘know it all, got it sorted’, perfect humans - we’re all just learning. But on this occasion I didn’t want her to see my tears.  This was my issue. This was my internal tug of war. I didn’t want her to think I was sad or cross at her for drinking, or wanting to drink the cow’s milk (although if I’m truly honest, inside I was disappointed). I smiled and explained I was just taking a minute to understand my feelings. And we went back downstairs.

A moment later she hugged me and cried.

‘Oh darling, why are you sad’?

‘I’m sad because I made you sad by drinking the cow’s milk’

There is no fooling them.

‘It’s OK sweetheart. It’s OK for Mummy to feel sad.  It was your choice. I’m just trying to understand all the feelings it’s creating in me. I’m not sad or cross at you. I love you’

‘I love you too Mama’

And then she carried on playing. 

I did a little dance/shake release and carried on making lunch. 

She hasn’t asked for cow’s milk since.

What I’ve learned/been reminded of:
Parenting is hard!!!
Parenting against the ‘norm’ can feel isolating and frustrating.
My child is likely going to want to try meat one day and that’s going to feel even harder - I might let her Dad handle that one!
Always breathe first.
Always take a minute.
Feel all you feel.
Dance or shake it off
There are so many unexpected things in motherhood that just throw us off when we're not expecting it!
Add more vegan books to the Christmas list 🤣


Are you raising a little vegan?
Tell me your experiences.

Emma x

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Navigating Halloween as a Vegan, Sugar-Free kid!

I’m sitting here feeling like a 'bad mum' because I didn't take my 5 year old trick or treating for Halloween last night.

But here's the thing...

I know I’m not a bad Mum (I don’t subscribe to that shaming, we’re all doing our best). I was parenting in my truth and making decisions based on where I’m at right now. So this is what’s been going on in my mind…

Reasons we didn't go…

 

I’m sitting here feeling like a 'bad mum' because I didn't take my 5 year old trick or treating for Halloween last night.

But here's the thing...

I know I’m not a bad Mum (I don’t subscribe to that shaming, we’re all doing our best). I was parenting in my truth and making decisions based on where I’m at right now. So this is what’s been going on in my mind…

Reasons we didn't go:
1. She's only just at an age where she knows what it is and the idea has come from peers or TV.

2. We moved to a new house in a new area 11 months ago so it's not something I have experienced on/around our road yet.

3. We're vegan and Indie doesn't have a lot of sugar (she had vegan marshmallows round the campfire for the first time during half term last week, and loved them). I buy her vegan ice cream when we're out and about, and vegan cakes in coffee shops, but at home she eats (and loves) 100% dark chocolate in dates, refined-sugar free home bakes and real-fruit ice lollies. I'm not really strict on it (I was for the first couple of years but now that she’s 5 and around other kids all the time, I’ve made some compromises), but I'm conscious about her intake. So if she went to houses that gave her non-vegan sugary sweets it would be hard and unfair to say she can't eat them!

4. I don't like the commercialisation and consumerism that Halloween is. I'd much prefer to have a family ceremony around a fire (we don't have one but I'm hoping to make this a new Samhain (Celtic new year - original Halloween) tradition. It's more my vibe. More connected with Nature, the Earth and the wise women who came before us.

Reasons I feel guilty about it:
1. I don't like saying she can't do things other kids do, even though I don't like conforming to social norms/expectations, just because they've become, well, the norm! I prefer to listen to my intuition.

2. If I 'deprive' her of sugary sweets now she'll just go the other way when she's older or do it behind my back (even though I don't deprive her, and actually, so far, when she does have something really sweet she often can't finish it).

3. I don't want her to feel like she's the odd one out.

4. I feel like she’s missed out on the fun!

So here's what I did yesterday:
I bought her a halloween costume sticker book and some vegan chocolate lollipops, which contain sugar. There's 3 in a pack. She ate one on the way home and said she wanted another after dinner. (When it came to it she was too full so only had 1 anyway).

I explained that I now understand that she's interested in trick or treating and that I wasn't quite prepared this year so I will make sure that next year, we will go to vegan friends houses so we know she can eat the sweets. I may even give some to our neighbours before hand to give to her. (And find out where all the Vegans live in our area ).

She got upset when someone actually knocked on our door trick or treating and we didn't have anything to give them. After they left empty handed she said she wanted to give them her vegan chocolate lollipops. So I realised that for her, part of the fun is also the giving. So next year I'll buy a multipack of vegan/low sugar sweets in advance to give out to others (it's up to them if they enjoy eating them or not but I'm not giving stuff to others that I wouldn't give to my own daughter).


I'm sharing this to encourage you to stick to your guns. To do what's right for your family. To question your beliefs and morals and notice if there is a reason you are resistant to something and then assess whether you can soften a little on this occasion or whether it is absolutely non-negotiable - all OK, all your terms.

We have so many choices to make on our children's behalf every single day. It's a balancing act. Sometimes my 'alternative' ways lead to more stress so when it starts to feel too much, that's when I pause and question, how much of this is me trying to undo my own experience/pain/struggles as a child (or adult) and how much of this is 100% my morals and values now - conscious, informed choices I am making for the wellbeing of my child.

Power to you Mama making the tough choices and just trying to raise your child the best you can. As always, motherhood is our biggest teacher.

Let me know how you navigate this time of year.

Sending you love,
Emma x

UPDATE: 1 year on…  

Yesterday was Halloween (or Samhain as I now like to call it - see this blog post for more on that). It’s a year on from when I wrote this originally blog post and my daughter is now 6, and very much aware of Trick or Treat, so I wanted to share how we dealt with that this year. 

She’s been talking about Trick or Treating since the summer!  An episode of Blippi cemented her excitement. I still feel the same about it -commercial, gimmicky, consumerism - but this year we had our first Samhain ceremony (manifested from my vision in the original post), and so in order that she didn’t miss out on something she was really excited about I decided to give it a go.

I bought a handful of vegan/sugar free sweets, and some vegan chocolates and secretly deposited them with our immediate neighbours - to our left and right. She then got dressed up in her Witches costume that she’d made herself at Yoga Club this half term and we went off ‘trick or treating’. We only did the 2 houses but she was amazed that she got 2 treats from each house!  One of our neighbours had actually bought her some vegan biscuits too! She didn’t need any more houses - that was exciting enough.

So we toddled back home with her little basket of goodies.

She ate half before our ceremony and dinner, and then the rest after dinner.

Her itch has been scratched.

She knows it was a one off.

Is it more sugar than I’d usually want her to have? Yes.

But like all things, it’s about balance, and this felt like exactly the right thing to do.  Depriving her definitely didn’t feel right.  And keeping her refined sugar intake low over the past 6 years (well almost zero until she started school!) has meant she has a really good sense of when she’s had enough. 

So let’s see what next year brings!  I think a lot depends on the type of street you live in. If we were in a little cul-de-sac full of other families, it might prove harder - but equally, if that was the case, I’d do exactly the same and just make sure they had some suitable options.  And if she OD’s on sugar for one day, her body will tell her to ease off until next time!!

Oh - and because we were holding our own little ceremony, I didn’t have any ‘treats’ for the many kids who did surprisingly knock on our door, but I think as I embark on a Samhain Gathering as a new tradition, next year I’ll just leave some sugar free/vegan sweets outside with a note on the door saying ‘private party, please help yourself, but leave some for others’. 

Or maybe next year, she’ll want to offer the treats out - who knows, we’ll have to wait and see!

Tell me, how did it go for you?

Emma x

Feeling a bit overwhelmed and anxious about all the decisions you have to make on your child’s behalf? Download my FREE 5 Minute Grounding Meditation For Mothers to help you feel more centred and aligned in your choices.

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